Some of these movies feature characters whose actions will cause a visceral reaction of disgust and horror. Some of them feature horrible asshole main characters that need to be killed in the worst way possible. You know, the types of movies where you cheer when they die? Those kinds of movies.
(Please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t ever, EVER, make a movie where not a single damn main character has anything redeeming about them. EVER. ‘Kay? Thanks.)
Without further ado, here’s our Top 10 Horror Movies with Asshole Main Characters that Make You Hate Humanity
10. Martyrs (2008)
“Martyrs” is a tough one, on a lot of levels. For me it was a one and done type of movie. I’ve seen it once, that’s enough for a lifetime. It’s not as graphic a torture porn movie as one may think, but it does have its own special brand of sadistic assholes running the show. They torture girls to the point that they have a mind break and “see the face of God” right before they die. Yep, that’s right. They purposefully create martyrs. Wooo…
9. The Devil’s Rejects (2005)
So there’s this group of redneck white trash riding around the countryside, cursing enough to make a hardened sailor blush, and killing people, because it’s fun, or something. Yeah. Great plot there.
None of the characters have a single redeeming quality about them. None. They are that vile.
(Some people think that this movie is awesome, I couldn’t even get through the first 30 minutes of it, I hated it that much. Yep. Definitely NOT SEE for anyone that likes to care about the characters they’re watching.)
8. Land of the Dead (2005)
“Land of the Dead” was another one of George Romero’s “social commentary” zombie movies that neither contained commentary, nor true insight on humanity. Funny how that works…
in this one there’s the haves and have-nots. The have-nots are trying desperately to get into “The Tower”- a shit hole of a skyscraper where only the rich get to live. Throw in the stereotypical Romero message of “Army People are BAD,” a Zombie Moses, the worst character that John Leguizamo has ever played (yes, it’s even worse than that stupid clown from “Spawn”) and ninja zombies, and you’ll end up with a terrible combo that makes you cheer when people are finally eaten by the walking dead. Yay!
7. Survival of the Dead (2009)
Oh hey, another George Romero movie. Huh… how about that?
So the Hatfields and McCoys (Sorry the O’Flynns and Muldoons) buy a random island off the coast of… Delaware or something, and continue their blood feud, complete with terrible fake accents, while a zombie lady befriends a horse and rides it around the island. Ninja zombies run amok as an EVIL military guy runs roughshod over the locals in the atypical menacing “I HAVE ALL THE GUNS” type douche bag maneuver.
This one had even more dumbass characters doing stupid shit than “Land of the Dead.” Oh, my zombie sister is trying to talk to me, I’m going to go touch her and oops, she bit me. Tee hee!
Seriously, that’s the climax of the fucking movie.
This one makes you hate humanity simply because that kind of stupid should never be allowed to live longer than the first 5 minutes of the film, and the entire movie is full of people doing dumb shit. Over, and over and over again. Three words: “Trained” Zombie Mailman. UGH.
6. The Last House on the Left (1972)
Wes Craven’s “The Last House on the Left” is actually a good movie. Well, good in that it really packs a wallop and will make you really hate humanity. It’s a raw, unflinching look at how callous and vile people can truly be. Don’t watch the stupid remake, watch the original. And remember: It’s only a movie, only a movie, only a movie…
This is a must see for anyone interested in seeing how art can make people think and expose them to the harsh reality of the world. So check it out, unless you’re one of those shrinking violets that cries “Trigger warning!” at even reading the word rape. This movie is not for you. Go watch some “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” (Talk about horror, that cartoon has it in spades! *shudder*)
5. Area 407 (2012)
“God damn it Charlie!”- Me, watching this POS movie.
The main characters are two obnoxious brats that are taking a plane trip together for vacation, although I highly suspect that their parents sent them away together on purpose, just to have to time alone, because damn are those kids annoying. The youngest shoves her camera in people’s faces the minute they get on the plane, and doesn’t stop until well, they become monster meat. Throw in a fat, bald, whiny selfish prick name Charlie and you’ll start yelling at the movie and waiting for people to die. Thankfully, they do. But in some instances, not soon enough.
4. 28 Weeks Later
Talk about dumbasses in action, “28 Weeks Later” takes the cake. (Which was severely disappointing to me.) The starting sequence is amazing, intense and off the hook epic yo. And then… we meet the two kids that are the main characters of the film, and it all goes downhill from there.
This one has an army general (or admiral or whatever) that refuses to listen to or obey the Surgeon General during a deadly outbreak of the zombie virus.
“I’m in command here, screw your protocol and your life saving rules!”
The kids are more trouble than they’re worth, sneaking out of the safe zone to find their infected mother, getting her back to the compound, where she is left UNGUARDED I might add, so that her cray cray husband can let her go and attack everyone in sight, spreading the Rage Infection around like it’s Nutella. Mmmm… Nutella.
Yep, the dumbass evil military man does stupid things that allow everyone they’re protecting to get sick and become viral zombies or rage monsters or whatever you want to call them (there’s still a hot debate over whether or not the Rage infected should be considered zombies or not. Personally, I couldn’t care less about that one).
That dude that plays Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) is in this, and plays an awesome soldier that died stupidly because he decided to get out and push a car that didn’t really need to be pushed for it to start running and was immolated to death. Yep. *sigh*
Huh, there’s seems to be a theme in zombie movies, a cliché if you will, about bad bad men running bad bad military units, that are bad.
3. Halloween (2007)
Holy shit does Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” suck huge donkey balls. Sure, there’s some people who LOVE the hell out of it, but they’re young and don’t know any better.
Michael Myers and his family are HORRIBLE to each other. Just horrible. They swear constantly; their tiny little vocabulary consists mainly of the words fuck, shit and bitch. How much do they swear? Well, if you played a drinking game, and people had to take a shot every time someone swore in this movie, the entire party would be either drink enough to black out or be puking in a potted plant in a living room within the first 20 minutes. That’s how foul-mouthed those asshats are.
Zombie wanted to “explore” a family that would create a monster like Michael Myers, and went full-bore into abuseland. Physical and mental abuse run rampant. When it got to the part where Mikey was torturing animals, I had to turn it off. The thing that made good old Mike from the original series such an iconic killer was that he came from a normal family, and was born a sociopath with a penchant for murder. It’s more unsettling to see a slasher villain come from a good home than it is watching a group of white trash assholes abuse each other to create The Shape and send him on a killing spree.
The people in Mike’s family were so bad that I felt dirty watching it. I’m not squeamish, but this movie is abusive as fuck. I don’t recommend it. Unless of course, you’re looking for a movie to play a drinking game with, and you intend to get everyone shitfaced before the second act of the film starts. Then, by all means, go right ahead and watch this POS.
2. Crow’s Nest
Yet another movie with stupid characters that make increasingly poor decisions that lead to their deaths. Oh hey, there’s a pissed off guy driving an RV? Let’s piss him off some more. Oh noes! He’s chasing after us and running us over! *sigh*
Not sure if this is supposed to be a parody of road rage, or if it’s just a really, really asinine movie. Either way, you’ll cheer when everyone dies.
Also features a magical teleporting RV that never runs out of gas and is used to chop people up in. Really? REALLY?!
“Contracted” is the worst of the worst. The main character pissed me off so much, I turned this movie off, then turned it back on just to see her die in the end. No, seriously. This movie has the biggest cast list of total and completely selfish bags of dicks in the Universe. I dare you to find a movie with people who are more shitty to each other than this one.
“Oh hey, I’m vomiting up blood. Better not go to the hospital and go beg my ex-girlfriend to take me back and throw a fit when she doesn’t.”
“Oh hey, mom’s calling, well fuck her too, I need to go to work at the restaurant so that I can serve food to people that has my fingernails in it.”
Yeah, her fingernails are literally falling off and she fucking goes to work to serve people food. Are you kidding me? Her boss is a dick, everyone she interacts with is a dick, and she spends almost the entire movie in shouting matches with people; especially her self-absorbed mother. Huh… guess that rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?
There is nothing redeemable about this film. Nothing. If anything it’s a cautionary tale about how not to make a movie, as the characters are that bad. They’re assholes, because, reasons. Said reasons are never defined. Shallow assholes are the worst kind, and “Contracted” made me really hate humanity after watching it.
So, how about it? Did I miss a movie on this list? What movie made you hate humanity the most? Was it “Contracted”? I bet it was.