You’re going to need Visine for these films…

Prepare yourself for Zombie Movies – The Bottom Ten.

For every yin, there is a yang. For every top, there is a bottom. You saw my yin, now it’s time to get yanged! You saw my top, now it’s time to see my bottom!

Wait, that didn’t come out right.

My love for Zombie movies has made it so that I see just about anything Zombie related that comes down the line. The expression that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince holds true. But, in this case, the frog is also trying to eat your face!

Here, for you viewing pleasure, is some of my viewing displeasure. I would like to point out that every film has good points. Most of these films point to an Exit sign.

#10 Any Zombie film that takes place in a High School.

There are so many. And they all have the same cast of characters. This is the Jock, the Nerd, the Cheerleader, the Goth, the Brain, the Burn-Out. And who is to blame for all this?

“The Breakfast Club!”

We all know that everyone out there loved that movie. Hollywood did as well. Someone out there said, “Hey! Let’s put the Breakfast Club into mortal danger and see how they make out!” Of course, making out happens a lot in these films as well. I would be willing to believe that in each of these films, the stereotyped character die in the same order each film, leaving the same stereotyped character to save the day. And this problem appears to be universal.

Even in Japan, their series “Highschool of the Dead” has many of the same plot lines.

Look Familiar?

#9 The Quick and the Undead (2006, US)

Imagine if the Zombie Apocalypse occurred in the Old West. Imagine a gunslinger travelling from town to town, searching for a safe place to be. Imagine him spending time monologuing throughout a good portion of the movie, but not as effectively as it would occur three years later in “Zombieland”. Imagine getting bitten by a zombie, but, through sheer force of will, not becoming one.

Well, imagine not longer. It’s all right here in “The Quick and the Undead.” I think the only creative point that I found interesting is that they don’t have money anymore. The coin of the realm is fingers you sever from zombies.

#8 [rec3] (2012, Spain)

They abandoned the found footage style and set this one at a wedding. Some close circuit camera footage was used, but, on the whole, this was just another horror film with a blood-stained bride carrying a chainsaw.

There is a lot of running around, a lot of blood, very little plot, and numerous tuxedos that won’t be returned on time. Definitely the weakest link in this chain.

#7 Junk: Everybody Fights (2000, Japan)

I have to admit, I barely remember this film. I don’t know if I just wanted to forget it or I could find nothing worth remembering in it. There is a good bit of blood in this, as well as ripped flesh, plus fighting, gun play and stilted dialog. In films like “Tokyo Gore Police” and “Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl”, that is part of the fun. There was no fun to be found in this film.

#6 The Video Dead (1987, US)

A cursed television is accidentally delivered to a suburban household. When watched, it only shows a zombie movie. These zombies come out and start killing some of the house’s residents. Actually, a couple of them die in attempts to get rid of the zombies. The last survivor, the daughter in the family that gets killed goes by the expert’s advice: Just ignore them! So if you don’t show fear, they won’t kill you.

In the end, the zombies are in a room with the cursed television, walking around it. Finally, they all get sucked back into it. The daughter is found and considered crazy. She is taken to a hospital and given the only thing they could find to put in her room. Yup, you guessed it. The Cursed Television!

Pretty damned silly.

#5 Survival of the Dead (2010, US)

This is going to get a number of people’s hackles up, but, yes, this is a terrible zombie movie from George Romero. It seemed to start well, but turned more into a soliloquy from Shakespeare. A long-time feud between two families on an island. Midway through the film, I really didn’t care about the issues between the patriarchs of the groups.

Slow, preachy, and at points, somewhat silly (a zombie riding horseback through most of the film?), it is a disappointment in the “Night of the Living Dead” pantheon.

Editor’s Note: I like to think of this one as the Hatfields vs. McCoys of Romero’s zombie films. And boy is it God awful. Avoid this one like the plague.

#4 Zombie Self-Defense Force (2006, Japan)

I think the thing that I am most unhappy about is the constant run of anti-US sentiment that runs through the film. This just gets tiresome. Granted, there are many reasons that Japan does not like the US. A rather good list of real issues about US-Japan relations can be found in the movie “Shin Godzilla.” But the whole Apocalypse is laid at America’s feet and the fingers are pointed, repeatedly.

#3 To Kako 2 (2009, Greece)

Picking up were the first film ends, which was about four years prior, our intrepid survivors are standing in the middle of a soccer stadium, as every zombie in Greece rushes in to get them. And they are successfully fought off by those four survivors! Add to this Billy Zane speaking phonetic Greek, numerous silly religious overtones and an ending that defies any form of logic that is stolen from a better zombie film, and you have a sequel that is even worse than a bad original.

#2 Zombie Apocalypse (2011, US)

The last hope for humanity on the West Coast is a boat that runs between Los Angeles and Catalina Island. A group of survivors fight their way through the hordes of zombies, most just making it out of bad situations alive. Finally, the last few survivors make it to the dock where they are set upon by … Zombie Tigers!

Yes, Zombie Tigers!

Editor’s note: The zombie tigers are made with some of THE WORST CGI in the history of CGI animals. It is 2-dimensional, and has zero weight. It’s rather funny, but it is the only entertaining aspect in the entire film, and it only lasts for a few minutes.

As ridiculous as that is, that is the only point of creativity in the film. The film covers the same tired plot lines that every other film has done to death. Or is it undeath?

And if you want to see Ving Rhames in a good Zombie film, see the remake of “Dawn of the Dead.” I think this is his third Zombie film and definitely the worst of the group.

#1 Scout’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2011, US)

This poster is better than the film.

This film brings to mind that “appalling” is spelled with two P’s. A zombie’s penis is pulled to a length of several feet. A girl is attacked in her private area and then, zombified, is accused of not using a tampon. And a zombie Cloris Leachman gums the ass of one of the Scouts. Do I need to go forward?

I have little problem with low humor; I am not a prude. But this level of humor is practically subterranean!

I was a Boy Scout/Cub Scout Leader for about 18 years. There is no merit badge for surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.

Wow! It really does feel good to vent!

I know that I have missed quite a few bad films. I did the best I could. I’m getting old, I tend to forget. Hopefully, I covered your least favorite Zombie movie. If I missed yours, let me know. Maybe I didn’t see it and need to. Thanks.