Lies! All Lies!

“The Upper Footage”: December 28th, 2009 an unnamed socialite overdoses and dies in a douchebag’s bathroom and they spend the rest of the movie trying to dispose of the body. Oh… did I spoil it for you? You’re going to thank me for that in a little bit.

Like “The Blair Witch Project”but legit, it’s real. Uh-huh. It’s real all right. Real boring!

When a movie starts out stating to watch in the dark, at your PC, with headphones on and to watch it alone, one would think that they were in for one hell of a terrifying ride to spooky movie town. But this, like all the rest of the movie, is an utter and complete fallacy. A lie. A bamboozle. I honestly felt cheated by the movie. It was a tease, a scare tease, and then its own plot (or lack thereof) was as cold and heavy as a wet blanket.

I have no problem with intro title cards or text or whatever the cool kids are calling it this week. But as a wise film maker (Krotar the Barbarian) once said to me, “Cut the exposition. Cut all the expo, all of it. Then start your movie.” The people involved with this film should’ve spoken to him. A sage man, that barbarian is.

This expo goes on for about 10 minutes or so. I stopped counting because I tried to get into the movie, not that I really could.

Little did I know what was in store for me!

Nothing! Yeah, that’s right. Nothing. There’s nothing exciting or thrilling or scandalous or anything going on in this movie. NOT a Ding-Dong-Diddly thing!

The movie starts by talking about how this is real footage, and how people were blackmailed to not show it, and then it was leaked on Youtube, blah blah blah, Quentin Tarantino bought it, blah blah blah,  and then there were protests on Twitter. Notice how the names and the pictures are blurred out in the photo below. It’s totally their marketing campaign.

My favorite part is that while they state that Jackie’s last name was removed from the video, in the protest posters they show her full name.

Out of respect to the family, the girl’s identity has been obscured. You know, other than the protest flyers that state her name. JACKIE SPEARO!

Death is not entertainment. Neither is 1 hour 30 minutes of watching drunk, high socialites telling each other to shut up.

To be honest there’s not that much to say about this movie, other than it’s totally boring and any good praise written about it is a total fallacy. It’s about a bag of dicks, I mean Blake, and his shallow socialite friends, one of which walks around all the time with a camcorder (which no one questions, at all), going on a drinking binge/coke snorting spree. Weeee!!!

One of the girls they drag with them, Jackie, overdoses and dies. Then they freak out and try to figure out what to do with her body, because calling 9-11 to get her help when she got sick was too much of a hassle. They couldn’t care less about a sick drunk/high girl in the bathroom. Nope. Blake’s more pissed off about getting vomit on the floor than concerned about a sick girl. When they find her passed out they pull her onto the floor and proceed to enter full WTF BBQ sauce freak-out mode.

Most of “Upper Footage” consists of socialites getting drunk/high in a limo and then moving on to get even more drunk and high at Blake’s apartment. Real quality people here. (DRUGS! Let’s get high brah!) There is absolutely no character development; just booze, chicks and blow.

Watching this movie makes me want to drink. For reals. Having to spend an hour an a half with these asshats makes me feel like less of a human being some how, like it’s so skeevy and unethical that it lowered my Karma points or something.

Actual Quotes from the movie:

“We’re picking up Christy!”

“Blake do you have weed at home? Blake, do you have weed at home? Blake has weed at home.”

“Can we please make getting cocaine a priority?” Because it’s not like they haven’t been snorting it the entire time.

“Ralph’s got some shit. He’s in the village, want to go?”

“Shut the window!” “Shut up! I smell a dead body!”

“Let’s just throw her out.”

Yeah… Half of the lines consist of “Shut up!” The other half are “Stop Devon!” You think he’d get tired of being told that after a while.

This is as good at as this movie gets. Right freaking here. Camcorder shot out a window with the room’s reflection on it. Woooo!!!

I just don’t care about this movie. While I do concede that many found footage films are extremely slow burns, this one was as much a chore to sit through as “Paranormal Activity.” It’s all about people who are unlikable jerks with no redeeming qualities whatsoever doing the most boring, inane shit possible. Who wants to sit through an entire movie of that? Not me. That’s for damn sure.

Silly movie! Rich boys don’t know how to dig holes by hand! They have PEOPLE to do that for them!

This is the most uninteresting, blathering piece of found footage I’ve ever seen. It’s about horrible, shallow, drunken socialites running around telling each other to SHUT UP for 1 hour and a half while they try to figure out what to do with a dead girl’s body.

So, instead of waxing poetic about how it could possibly, maybe, be seen as social commentary about the children of the insanely rich 1% (aka Trust Fund Babies) I thought it would be more entertaining for both myself, and you faithful readers, to compose a list of things that are more fun to do than watching “Upper Footage.”

13 Things That Are More Fun Than Watching “Upper Footage”

1. Folding laundry
2. Watching paint dry
3. Mowing the neighbor’s lawn for no pay
4. Cleaning out the refrigerator and giving names to all the moldy pieces of food that you find in it
5. Licking a frozen flag pole in the middle of winter
6. Watching “ATM” dubbed in French and not knowing any French words
7. Walking your grandfather’s gassy dog around the block five times and scooping its runny poop
8. Heating up leftover pizza in the microwave so that its soft and floppy and eating it (Mmmm… floppy pizza!)
9. Alphabetizing your bookshelf (or movie shelf if don’t own enough books to necessitate a bookshelf)
10. Editing your contacts list on your phone
11. Rearranging the furniture in your living room
12. Talking to that annoying guy with the obnoxious laugh at your work’s water cooler
13. Waiting for the repairman to show up at your house to fix a broken appliance

There. Now you have an idea as to how boring “Upper Footage” is and you don’t have to watch it.  Don’t waste your own precious time with this craptastrophe of a movie. I  suffered through it and won’t get that hour and a half back from my life. I did that to spare the suffering of others. You should THANK ME for it! Seriously, it’s that freaking bad. Don’t waste your time on this one. All it will do is piss you off.