Scream Queens Episode 5 “Chanel Pour Homme-icide”

We open on Cathy, blue skinned Chanel, Zayday and No. 3 in their Halloween costumes in the aftermath of the hospital party. They step out of an elevator, homing in on the sound of No. 5’s anguished screams through the darkened halls.

Munsch wants to know how Oberlin felt Libby Putney’s pain through the walls and floors and corridors that separated them.

“How could you hear that from halfway across the hospital?”

It is No. 3 who answers:

“She can sense Chanel’s pain like a shark senses blood in the water. She’s developed a fine tuned addiction to it.”

They discover the fallen Denise Hempfield and stabbed No. 5. At first the plan is to toss Denise into the swamp with all others, but the gang is interrupted by screams.

It seems the survivors of the apple bobbing incident, many of whom were dressed as Alexander Hamilton from the hit Broadway play Hamilton, are no longer surviving at all. They’ve been hung from the ceiling.

“Who would do this?”

“We just need to find a guy dressed as Aaron Burr.”

Munsch asks Zayday to help her bring Denise’s body to the basement. Turns out Hempfield is still alive, but barely. With the massacre upstairs, Cathy reasons that the FBI may drain the swamp looking for other victims or murder weapons. So instead, Denise is going to be frozen in a cryogenic chamber. Naturally.

Cathy reveals that she has been feeling worse and worse lately and fears she may have to be the next one in the cryo tube.

Chanel is finally back to her normal skin color, after treatment by Dr. Holt. He wonders aloud about who poisoned the meds he gave Chanel that turned her blue, and also tells her that sex with Cathy Munsch is fantastic.

The authorities, long-held at bay by dropping bodies in the swamp, arrive to investigate the massacre; and the press follows with them. Although Cathy predicted that the killings would destroy the hospital, the opposite occurs.

People arrive by the dozens to get cured by the miracle workers at C.U.R.E.

Cathy begins interviewing the new patients. There’s Margaret Honeywell, afflicted with Marfan Syndrome. This disorder affects the connective tissue and generally results in a tall, abnormally thin body. After Munsch insults her by calling her Marfan, she meets Daria, who has the congenital neurological disorder called Moebius Syndrome. This affects the cranial nerves and often results in facial paralysis. Finally, we meet Mrs. Hodges, a translator at the U.N. who speaks in a different accent with every sentence! After slipping on a plantain peel and striking her head, she acquired Foreign Accent Syndrome.

Chanel and No. 3 are assigned bedpan cleaning duty at an outdoor sink. Dressed in couture with jewelry on, they scrub away.

Nurse Hoffel turns up and addresses the two girls as “Dead Inside” and “Dr. Tiny Bitch.” She gives them used catheters to clean and fecal matter samples to strain while mocking their unqualified positions, and asks No. 3 to collect a semen sample from a comatose patient.

After she heads off, the Chanels quit the bedpan duty and decide that the solution to their problems is to recruit more Chanels as their loyal minions.

Zayday discovers that Cathy Munsch has no idea where candy striper Chamberlain came from. She didn’t hire him and assumed he was Dr. Holt’s assistant. This sets off all sorts of alarm bells and Zayday begins searching for the infamous pregnant woman from 1985. To this end, she brings in the severely injured No. 5, who is encased in a protective brace.

When an online attempt to recruit more Chanels fails, the girls decide to pull from the throngs of incoming patients. They first approach Margaret, who doesn’t seem particularly interested, and then Daria. Neither is given a choice about joining the girl group. And lastly, they contact fan fiction writer and Chanel fanatic Tristan St. Pierre. While appealing their murder conviction, the Chanels discovered that a series of pornographic novels in which the three divas were all lesbians was circulating. After their acquittal, Tristan began texting them constantly. And now, he’s about to live his dream.

He’s about to become the first male Chanel.

No. 5 is introduced to the new girls. Chanel No. 7/Margaret, Chanel No. 8/Daria and Chanel Pour Homme/Tristan. Libby is horrified by the idea of a male Chanel, especially one who seems so much like a serial killer.

While working with Mrs. Hodges, Holt, No. 3 and Cascade become infected by her strange malady and begin speaking in odd accents. Meanwhile, Zayday locates the mother from 1985: she’s one Jane Hollis, who filled out at a missing persons report for her husband Bill shortly after his disappearance. Her address is on file.

Working late one night, Chanel is haunted by Hester, who makes her case to be a Chanel again. She reasons because she spent so much time wanting to kill Oberlin and company, she would be an asset to the girls now by telling them how a killer thinks. Meet Chanel No. 6.

Zayday and Libby head out to meet Jane Hollis. She tells them that all she has left in her life is her son. Jane’s theory about her husband’s death is completely accurate. After Libby embarrasses Zay by accusing Jane of murdering her own husband, Zayday points out that Chamberlain can’t be the killer because Jane is white. Then they notice a photograph of Bill and Jane Hollis together. She’s white, he’s black. Chamberlain is back to being a suspect.

Holt, No. 3 and Cascade try to solve the accent mystery while sporting accents themselves.

We learn that actor Taylor Lautner, who plays Cassidey, is pretty bad at doing accents.

Dr. Holt finds a possible cure for Mrs. Hodges. Zayday approaches Chamberlain, who explains that he does what he does out of an interest in helping people. Holt discovers that he and the others are afflicted with Madonna Syndrome, a jab at the pop singer’s phony sounding British accent she began to sport in the 1990s. The only cure is to watch movies featuring American accents. Dr. Cascade has plans and bails out.

Munsch fires Nurse Hoffel for her disrespectful treatment of the Chanels.

Ingrid immediately blackmails Cathy by threatening to reveal that she has Kuru and that she acquired it by accidentally eating human flesh.

The Chanels decide to throw a slumber party at the hospital and give each other makeovers. Murder bait! Pillow fights, synchronized dancing and makeup sessions ensue. Hester sends the newbies on a scavenger hunt for a silver choker through the hospital to attract the killer. After Tristan scares Daria away from finding the choker, the Chanels discover Tristan in the morgue, cut in half and clutching the jewelry box.

Cathy isn’t happy. Not only was she unaware that Hester is out of her cell, but she also had no idea that the girls were recruiting patients to serve as minions/human shields. Instead of shutting it down, she adds to the roster! She introduces Chanel No. 9/Addison, Chanel No. 10/Andrea and Chanel No. 11/Midge. Addison loves playing D&D, Andrea was born with no kidneys and thirty extra feet of large intestine, and Midge has 11 fingers.

The new Chanels meet the Green Meanie, who leaps out with two machetes. Midge falls and the Meanie helpfully cuts off her extra finger. She thanks him, but then dies as he rams the blade through her torso.

Jane Hollis cooks breakfast for dinner as her son, the famed Baby In The Belly, comes home. It is Dr. Cassidey Cascade. She tells him that people from the hospital are investigating the disappearance of Cascade’s father Bill in the swamp, as well as the murders that followed.

He seems very unconcerned.

“Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll take care of everything.”