Before I get started, I just wanted to say that “Prometheus” has fantastic special effects that are the perfect blend of practical effects as a base and CGI as enhancements for the effects. Really, it’s very beautiful to look at. For reals.

Just look at it! So pretty! I just want to touch it!

The cast is top-notch with some real A-list actors too. I mean, they do a fantastic job with the script they were given. They really did.

Unfortunately, all that pretty stuff and great acting could’t make this a good movie.

I almost feel bad about making fun of it, because the actors took working on it so seriously. But damn it, the scriptwriters really dropped the ball on this one. And I mean DROPPED the fucking ball. Total fumble right before reaching the end zone.

It’s not a complicated movie with deep symbolism that requires hours and hours of examination and explanation for anyone to understand. Nope. It’s not that deep at all. This is just a poorly executed movie with clichéd card-board cut out characters that are NOT scientists (even though they claim to be) and a ridiculous ending.

It’s super easy to get confused by it if you’d not paying attention to it, because it meanders a lot and is full of just utterly stupid plot points and character actions that make no sense.

Here’s a handy dandy chart that sort of explains the plot in a not quite a nut-shell.

Yes, it is this convoluted.

Here’s the Plot of “Prometheus”:

Basically, there’s these stupid parasite worms in these canister thingies that people found when they went to a planet to “study” an alien ship.

A gagillion years ago, the Engineers came to Earth, used one of the canisters and started all life there, which lead to the evolution of mankind. (There’s no disputing it. That IS Earth that they show at the start of the movie. There’s the whole “Life here, began out there” bullshit theme going throughout the whole film. Whoop dee doo!)

The people that went to the planet uncovered those canisters and are infected  by the parasites they contain. Said parasites dissolve Engineers, and just turn humans into weird mutated freaks that want to get it on and mate with everything… I think.

The main romantic lead guy is infected, has sex with main heroine of movie, and impregnates her. She “gives birth” to a squid-type monster thingy. The squid monster thingy impregnates an Engineer, and a proto-xenomorph is born so that they can make a sequel movie (which is currently in development as of August 20, 2016).

There. I explained it for you. Don’t bother watching the movie. This is as good as the plot gets.

Some people claim that this movie is super awesome fun and that everyone should go see it because OMG aliens!

No. Just. No.

This movie has soooo many flaws, it’s sad.

One of my biggest complaints about “Prometheus” is that it is supposed to be a science fiction movie, in space, about aliens and people that are scientists that discover said aliens on an alien world. ALIENS. Aliiiiieeens. Woooooo.

Science? On a Scientific Voyage of Discovery to Investigate the biggest scientific find of modern history? Not in MY Sci-Fi Movie!

Here’s a big hint: If you’re going to make a spin-off of a Science Fiction Horror Action Franchise, at the very least, your movie has to have FUCKING SCIENCE IN IT!

Scans? Scan for life? Scan under the planet surface to map it prior to landing? Why would we want to do that? Why scan the planet before landing to find that it’s littered with those Engineer ships?

Yep. Any fan of Star Trek knows that you SCAN a planet with a probe or two prior to landing on it. You know, to make sure the atmosphere is breathable and it isn’t crawling with bacteria, viruses and parasites that could kill you and all of your shipmates.

Yet, with all their fancy stuff, they didn’t bring any weapons, or survey gear other than the mapping “dogs”. Seriously? What if there were hostile animals waiting to pounce on you? Oh wait, you wouldn’t know that because you didn’t bother to SCAN the FREAKING PLANET prior to landing on it. My bad.

Since we’re on the subject of science not being in a science fiction movie, let’s pause here to reflect on a little thing called Xeno-contamination. In “Alien” (also directed by Ridley Scott- who admits that he doesn’t like sci-fi and didn’t ever want to make a science fiction movie) the main character Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) has a bit of dialogue where she heatedly explains that they can’t bring whatshisface (Kane) back on-board with a facehugger on his face because of the risk of contamination. They don’t know what the alien entity is, other that it has attached to a crew member, and she doesn’t want that thing anywhere near the rest of them. It’s a pivotal part of the plot, and made the android’s betrayal (due mainly to Wayland Yutani’s directive to obtain and study, and possibly impregnate the crew with the alien species) all the more sinister once it is brought into light.

What? You haven’t seen “Alien” and you’re annoyed that I just spoiled the plot for you? Too effing bad. That movie came out in 1979. If you haven’t seen it, you’ve been exposed to some of its core concepts due to pop culture references. So, WTF are you waiting for? Go watch it! Watch it now you lazy bastards!

Ah yes. Xeno-Contamination! Son of a bitch this part pisses me off so fucking much it makes me want to break my TV.

So, the “scientists” I mean, Human Space Jock Bros get to planet Galvatron — What? That’s its name, right? No? Pffft! Too freaking bad, that’s what I’m calling it because it really doesn’t matter what they called the planet in the film. Could be planet Barbarella for all we care, that’s how poorly the science was written and executed in this movie.

Once there, the crew promptly proceeds to poop all over safety protocols, common sense, and all other crucial things that people (SCIENTISTS!!!) who would be hired to go on a scientific surveying mission would need to have to be qualified enough to be on the team.

There’s a complete lack of safety protocols, and no enforcement of quarantine procedures whatsoever.

And who the FUCK goes to an alien planet, steps inside and alien space ship and then, after seeing plant life and water dripping down from the ceiling, takes off their hermetically sealed space suit helmet? WHO DOES THAT SHIT? Oh, yeah. That’s right. These douche bags.

We’re too pretty to wear helmets throughout the entire movie.

So, after removing helmets and directly exposing their flesh, respiratory system and mucous membranes (ewww mucous), there are no scans or tests of people done once they are back on-board to monitor for alien contamination. NONE. Nada, zero, zip, zilch. NOTHING.

Yep, basically everything that goes wrong in this movie is a direct result of an inability to follow safety protocols. SAFETY PROTOCOLS!

SPACE SAFETY PROTOCOLS that are crucial to follow because if you ignore them, and someone gets sick or seriously injured, you’re on your own. Well, unless you count Nurse Ratched over here.

She’s an automated surgical table. Very bad bedside manner.

You’d have to be utterly insane, and a total and complete moron not to think for one minute that even one tiny mistake could wind up with the entire crew infected or just plain old dead from suffocation. Yes, that’s right. You can suffocate if you try to breathe air that doesn’t have oxygen in it. I’d tell you to try it if you didn’t believe me, but that’s just mean.

Don’t try it.

Please.

Unless you’re really dumb and you want to know what it’s like to not be able to breathe. Then, by all means, go right ahead. Knock yourself out. Literally, because you’d suffocate and pass out. Wooo!

Since we’re on the subject of inappropriate character responses, let’s pause for a moment to reflect on a few more utterly moronic plot sequences that take place in “Prometheus.” (Yes this is another spoiler. Deal with it you mofos)

“Prometheus” is Full of Completely Inappropriate Character Responses

 Exhibit A. Millburn the Zoologist. Yes, that’s right. He studies animal behavior. Or so we’re told…

This Dude-bro finds a proto-face hugger aka cobra alien thingy and instead of taking pictures or trying to capture it, it goes to pet it. He is then surprised when it unfurls its hood, a clear sign of aggression or fear response of an animal telling him to back off and that its dangerous and will attack if further provoked.

Yeah, that looks friendly. You should touch it. Repeatedly.

So, what does the person with a degree in studying animal behavior do?

He does this:

Oh hey, look! It’s an alien species that looks like a snake! I think I’ll touch it. Oh, oh damn. It bit me and then got into my space suit and is now crawling down my throat in a very suggestive, sexual manner.

As a biologist  that studies animal behavior for a living, I seriously didn’t see that one coming at all. And now I’m dead. Oopsie!

Are you freaking kidding me? UGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHH!

Exhibit B. Fifield

Let’s talk about this guy:

I’m A GEOLOGIST! ARGHGHGHGHGLEBLARGLE!

This is Fifield (played by Sean Harris). Yes. That’s how the character’s name is spelled. No, he is not a Hobbit. I asked.

He’s a geologist. We know this because he says he is, REPEATEDLY.

Ready for his stupid reaction? OK. Here goes.

When the characters come across a beheaded Engineer, and the head is still intact, and perfectly preserved in the helmet of said alien, he throws THE BIGGEST hissy fit in the galaxy because he came there to study rocks damn it!

Seriously?

…

SERIOUSLY?!

They have proof, actual physical evidence of an unknown alien species and he is mad because, rocks!

But, it’s OK, because he tags along with Millburn (played by Rafe Spall). After Milhouse is attacked, another cobra alien thingy spits acid on Fifield’s helmet and forces him to take it off so that it can give him a throat hug. This infects Fivel and turns him into a hideous freak bulging head that attacks the ship, and is immolated to death by Charlize Theron’s character (Meredith Vickers).

As if he wasn’t in agony enough all ready, they have to set him on fire. It’s the only way to be sure… I guess.

Too little, too late you dumbasses!

Exhibit C. The Holloway Incident

Hi, I’m the good-looking hunk of a male lead of this film. Don’t you just want to kiss my succulent pouty lips?

The inane romantic mimbo lead (that’s a male bimbo for those of who’re wondering) Charlie Holloway  (played by Logan Marshall-Green) becomes incredibly pissed off. Why? Because they found a corpse and not cave paintings or some shit and he’s an archeologist and boo hoo hoo for him.

UGH!

Seriously? Who wouldn’t be excited by this find? Or, at the very least, cautious because it’s clear that those Engineers were running from something that had escaped and was trying to eat, or hug, their faces. What the freaking hell.

Oh, but it gets much, much worse!

Holloway, once back on board the vessel, finds a WORM (A WORM! A FUCKING WORM! EWWWW!) in his eye, and doesn’t report to med bay. A parasitic worm in his fucking eye and he doesn’t have it checked out? Man, what?

Naw, it’s all good. I just need to find some of that pinworm stuff and take it for two weeks. I’ll be fiiiine!

So, he’s infected by David (Ohhhh that DAVID! Such a playful little scamp!) and has sex with his love interest, the main heroine of the film Elizabeth Shaw (played by Noomi Rapace). He doesn’t bother to mention to her that he found something that could quite possibly be an infectious parasite, let alone an alien one in his eyeball! And thus, infects her as well.

Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Then, he proceeds to mutate and die. Yaaay!

Exhibit D. DAVID and the Engineer’s Flute of Destiny aka Touch Everything, Question Nothing

David. David, David, David. David the android. He’s a curious little guy, oh yes he is! How do we know? Well, HE TOUCHES EVERYTHING!

Everything he sees, he touches. Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch goes David.

Look! He’s touching something now!

David (played by the impeccable Michael Fassbender) is supposed to be the “rogue element” of the story. People don’t trust him because he’s an android. And quite frankly, he shouldn’t be trusted, because he works for Wayland– his “father.”

He touches everything and I mean EVERYTHING.

He also miraculously and instantly translates a gagillion year old alien language (Yeah, right. Like that could ever happen) and after watching a convenient 3-D video of an Engineer pilot that is about to make the ship take off, he learns how to pilot it, picks up the Engineer’s flute of destiny and plays a little tune and starts up the ship.

Really? REALLY?! What the fucking fuck!

And then there’s this:

Let’s Talk to the Giant Angry Alien in what we think is the correct pronunciation of his dead language! What’s the Worst that could Happen?

Yup, that’s right. One of the Engineers was in stasis or some shit and wakes up and is all pissed off because there’s vermin running around his vessel and touching things. What would you do if you woke up all cranky and found alien creatures have invaded your ship? Or some freaky ass robot told you that you’re as ugly as your mother, because Lord knows if DAVID got the dialect and pronunciation correct.

Yup, that’s right. You’d kill them… At least, that’s what this dude did.

Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.

Exhibit E. Elizabeth Shaw

Elizabeth is a strong female lead, don’t get me wrong. But she, like all the other characters, does some seriously stupid shit!

Ohhh! Soooo pretty! I’m going to touch it!

We found a perfectly preserved alien head that’s been sitting around for gagillion years? Let’s expose it to air and shove electrodes in it and see what happens when we send electricity through its brain because for some stupid reason, we think that we’ll be able to talk to it.

Oops. It disintegrated. There’s goes the scientific find of the century. My bad.

Are you fucking kidding me?

But, the biggest, most unbelievable thing that happens in the movie is after Shaw discovers that she has been impregnated with an alien love child and has it removed by Nurse Ratched aka the Surgical Robot Pod.

I’m so pretty. Nothing can stop me. Imma going to run 60 miles now!

Oh hey, you had your stomach cut open for a Cesarean section of an alien parasitic fetus? Go ahead and run a 10 mile marathon at top speed right after that for the end action sequence and not even break a sweat, or pop a staple that was used to close the wound shut.

Some people claim that this is just an action hero trope. But it isn’t.

Lemme ‘splain it to you suckers.

A Cesarean section cuts through vital abdomen muscles that are used to stand upright. Nurse Ratchet cut out and extracted the alien via Cesarean section. So, alien fetus or no. She wouldn’t have been able to stand for very long after that.  I don’t care what painkillers she was given, this isn’t “Star Trek” with fancy future medicine that magically and instantly heals all wounds, no matter their severity. No, this is a movie that takes place in the gritty, realistic universe/setting of the “Alien” franchise. Those types of settings have dire consequences for serious injuries. Sorry fanboys. The ending, it just isn’t plausible. No matter how you try to rationalize it. No amount of adrenaline would’ve allowed someone to run after being cut open like that. The human body has its limits. And that’s one of them.

Don’t believe me? Go find someone who had a Cesarean section to bring their child into the world and ask them how long it took before they could stand up right or walk normally. It takes weeks. Yeah. That’s right. WEEKS. Oh, just go read this. Sheesh.

So, is “Prometheus” a Masterpiece or a Menace?

It’s a menace.

The entire thing is a total crock of shit and an insult to anyone with even a smidge of scientific knowledge. Hell, even if you don’t know a lot of science, you should have enough common sense to be annoyed by the idiocy of the characters.

Don’t bother watching “Prometheus” if you enjoy anything resembling Science Fiction, the Alien Franchise, or common sense in plot structure and character actions. Because you won’t find it here.

There, I said it. You’re welcome.

And for those of you who LOVE “Prometheus”… You’re dead to me. (Just kidding. You’re only undead to me. I’m not that mean.)

I think this video sums up my thoughts about “Prometheus” splendidly.