“Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!” is a SYFY original movie about a massive freak storm system that consists of shark toting tornadoes ravaging the landscape. This B-Movie series is found to be funny by some, and quite questionable by others. Watch it and decide for yourself as to which category you belong to.
To answer the question posed in the review title, I’ll paraphrase Star-Lord (from “Guardians Of The Galaxy”): “Something bad. Something good. A bit of both.”
Our latest ‘Nado finds heroic Finn Shepard (Ian Ziering) receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his actions in the previous two films, where he saved Los Angeles and New York from falling sharks. Yep. That’s right. Sharkalanches… Oh wait. Sorry. Wrong franchise. My bad.
Shepard is inducted into the Order of the Golden Chainsaw by the President, regrettably portrayed by “Shark Tank” businessman Mark Cuban, who delivers line readings so remarkably lifeless they threaten to inspire a drinking game.
Shut up already!
Soon after, a vicious Sharknado descends on Washington, obliterating the White House as Conservative author and pundit Ann Coulter surfs down the flooded White House steps on a painting of George Washington. Shepard, with the Prez watching his back, shoots his way out and eventually impales a shark on a flag pole carrying Old Glory.
Finn’s ex-wife April (actress Tara Reid, who is slowly resembling a leathery anorexic broomstick supporting a blonde wig) now sports a chainsaw hand after her incident in “Sharknado 2: The Second One”. She is pregnant, which means that Reid must walk around with a faux baby bump while looking dramatically underfed.
We then meet up with Nova Clarke (Cassie Scerbo), famous for being eaten by a shark in the finale of the original film and surviving, who is now running around dressed like a character from the Channing Tatum “G.I. JOE” films and killing sharks. With her new weirdo buddy Lucas Stevens (Frankie Muniz), she drives around in an armored Winnebago and slaughters falling marine life with a razor-sharp katana and slow motion back-flips.
They hook up with Finn, driving south from Washington to Orlando to meet up with his ex-wife April and their daughter Claudia at Universal Studios. It soon becomes apparent that these Sharknados aren’t staying in one place but traveling across the entire eastern seaboard, which forces the trio to head for an Air Force base in Charleston and use a fighter jet to take them through the oncoming storm.
Spoiler alert! Lucas doesn’t make it, but he does have a fantastically humorous death.
Now flying through the storm in a jet, Finn and Nova battle whirling sharks, save a NASCAR stadium and eventually crash-land into a man-made lake at Universal Studios. They emerge from the drowned jet only seconds later without their clothing. She is wearing a bikini and he is topless, despite the fact that both were fully clothed moments before. Hilarious!
Its pretty difficult to hate a movie that includes a cameo by “Game Of Thrones” author George R.R. Martin going to see a 3D shark movie and actually getting eaten by an aquatic predator.
April and Finn unite inside the park and search for their daughter Claudia, which leads to a shark becoming trapped on the rails of a roller coaster and other disasters. The Shepard family is finally reunited, just in time to meet Finn’s father Colonel Gil Shepard (David Hasselhoff).
No one hassles the Hoff.
Gil suggests they reactivate the Strategic Defense Initiative aka Star Wars missile defense program introduced by Ronald Reagan in the 1980s. Soon, father and son and broomstick, I mean, April, are headed space-ward in a top secret shuttle.
In the irradiated vacuum of space, Papa Shepard leaves the craft to activate the ancient Star Wars satellite while sharks from Earth below surge upwards. It is never explained how unprotected living organisms like sharks not only survive but do pretty well in the deathly environment of the cosmos.
The Star Wars laser is a smashing success, taking the wind out of those pesky Sharknados. Meanwhile, April is eaten by a massive Great White floating in space. Finn decides to rescue her by following her in, but chooses the wrong shark to enter. The creatures are burned horrifically in re-entry to Earth’s atmosphere with our heroes safely tucked away in their shark bellies.
We end with a cliffhanger determining a character’s fate by votes from SyFy viewers. Like Death and Taxes, Sharknado 4 is a certainty. Get used to it.
The third film contains the most blatant form of product placement I’ve ever seen. NASCAR; Redd’s Apple Ale; Universal Studios; various smart phones; if you like corporate adverts incorporated into your cinematic entertainment with the grace of a sledgehammer, you’ll find much to appreciate here.
“Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!” continues the silly spirit of the original, with Hasselhoff’s heartfelt and funny performance, and Cassie Scerbo and Frankie Muniz as dedicated shark killers in a kooky armored recreational vehicle. This is a series that jumped the shark three films ago and doesn’t care, which is its most charming quality.
