“Ghostbusters” (2016) horror comedy reboot of the “Ghostbusters” franchise. Written and Directed by Paul Feig. Starring Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones and Chris Hemsworth. Four chicks get together to start a Ghostbusting business in New York City. We wish we could say that hilarity ensues, but none of the jokes work. So, yeah. There’s that.  #goodjokesmatter This entry of the “Ghostbusters” franchise throws out the first two movies of the series in terms of continuity, and yet makes so many visual nods and winks to it, that it’s like a desperate 16-year old girl trying to get her crush to go with her to the Homecoming Dance. #ohgodpleasenoticemesempai This movie is as funny as a wet blanket, and it’s very anticlimactic.

#ghostbusters2016greatestmovieevar

“Ghostbusters” (2016) suffers from a bad script, with lame characters that you wouldn’t care about, mainly because they have no development whatsoever. They are generic and bland as possible. Which is rather sad, considering that even the freaking cartoons of the Ghostbusters managed to give the various character depth and interesting personalities. Pretty boy secretary Kevin serves no purpose but to be a blonde mimbo (that’s a male bimbo for those of you that don’t know). He is possessed by the villain, Rowan. And the villain’s motivation is incredibly thin and weak, like a soggy paper bag: I was bullied so now I’m going to make the world burn. Yep. I kid you not. That is his motivation. WTF Feig?!

Anyways, let’s get into this crapfest, shall we? #whydidIwaste15onthisstupidmovie

“Ghostbusters” starts with a tour of the Aldridge mansion. The tour guide cleverly mentions an Anti-Irish security fence. *facepalm* Because, as we all know, the IRISH are the ones you need to be afraid of…Ha! Who are we kidding? Everyone wants to be Irish! (Well, except the Irish. They think the rest of us are just plain cray cray)

Hey, doesn’t that make them RACIST against the Irish? Isn’t that a RACIST JOKE SJW’s? Where’s your outrage now, huh? Huh?! #Irishlivesmatter

The tour guide then throws out a line about PT Barnum enslaving elephants and I guess that’s supposed to be a funny joke? Maybe? #elephantlivesmatter

The tour guide conveniently gives up the back story of the ghosts at the mansion. Because everything NEEDS a back story in Hollywood now! EVERYTHING! AHHH!!!111

October 25, 1894 Sir Aldridge was furious, because like all evil men in the universe, his breakfast wasn’t ready when he wanted it. So, he calls for his servants, but they don’t answer, because they’re all dead! His eldest daughter Gertrude stabbed them to death in their beds. Stabby Gerty was insane. They kept her locked in the basement and fed her through a small slot in the door. Good times!

#godhelpmethereisanhourandfortyminuteslefttothishourandfiftysevenminutemovie

So like Sir Aldridge dies and the second owner of the mansion hears weird sounds coming from the basement.

During the tour, a candelabra falls to the floor and the tour guide makes nothing of this. #thatscomingoutofyourpaycheckbuddy

Once the tour is done, the guide sees the basement door opening BY ITSELF! He hears ghostly screams and is thrown around the house by a poltergeist. Maybe.

Slime rises up from below, and he sees the ghost of Stabby Gerty. Does he get stabbed? Who cares! Let’s move on!

Erin is a psychics teacher at a “prestigious university.”  Some random schlub comes to her with a book she wrote called “Ghosts from Our Past: Both Literally and Figuratively” (Wait, wtf? that’s the title of her book? Both Literally and Figuratively? Is that supposed to be clever tongue-in-cheek humor? FAIL!) Anyway the Joe Schmoe tells Erin that the Aldridge Mansion is haunted and junk.

This is how Erin learns that someone republished her stupid self-pubbed book…the co-author Abby. So she goes to her to yell at her, and Abby serves her a big old plate of “why are you embarrassed about writing a book with me?” And a boo hoo hoo sob story blah blah blah.

Also, I guess wonton soup is funny to them? I mean, what’s up with that? I love wonton soup. It’s freaking delicious. #wontonsoupmatters

And then as randomly as everything else that happens in the film, quirky, plucky highly energetic theoretical physicist Holtzman introduces herself and flirts with Erin. Because why not.? Everyone loves lesbians! #lesbiansarethebestthespians

Abby and Holtzman make Erin listen to a fart recording. And Someone has to make a queef joke. #queefjokesareclassyaf #southparkdiditbetter

Honestly? Holtzman is annoying. There. I said it. You’re welcome.

So yeah, even though she’s embarrassed af for writing a ghost book, Erin tells Abby and Holtzman about the “haunted mansion” (trademark copyright symbol here) and they go to check it out. Because why the eff not?

#ughthismovieispissingmeoff

So, the tour guide that hates the Irish shits himself because he was so scared, and that is supposed to be funny. No. It’s not. Being scared poopless is never funny.

(Let’s see, we’ve hit racist Irish joke, circus joke, Chinese food joke, queef joke, and now the craptastic shit joke. Wow. Way to keep it classy Fieg. Brilliant writing there! We can tell that you pulled out all the good comedy for this one…asshole.)

The three musketeers, or the Boobytwins Mystery Squad of Erin, Abby and Holtzman the gun licker, go into the mansion. Erin steps in a puddle of slime and Holtzman is eating chips during an investigation because nothing says funny like eating potato chips loudly in a mansion while looking for a ghost. Oh boy she sure is quirky! Oh that quirky Holzman. So funny. Haha ahhhhh. #howmanyminutesareleftofthisshitshow?

Erin tries to talk to Stabby Gerty in the mansion library (sort of like how Ray tries to talk to the librarian ghost in the library, but not as funny) and she is slimed. Then the ghost leaves the mansion to go get a mani-pedi.

Stabby Gerty. Wait…Is her chin touching her chest? Is that normal? #ghostlivesmatter #crimsonpeakdidghostcgibetter

So yeah, Erin freaks out because she saw a REAL LIVE GHOST!!!1111 And her boss fires her because she wrote a crappy book about ghosts and then she saw one and then decided to work with her two new besties because she wants to hunt ghosts. Both literally and figuratively. And the new head of the department fires her because she got a side job.

Do you even know how many teachers have second jobs? A shit ton of them. They teach at other schools, and do other things related to their fields of expertise. But, in this universe, somehow, just getting a second job gets you fired, because reasons. You know what this is? WEAK SCRIPT WRITING!

Yup. That’s what gets professors fired from universities these days. Books about metaphysics and parapsychology, and working a side job involving ghost hunting and investigation. Oh wait, it doesn’t. That actually brings in more money to the institution. Our bad…

And since when would a dean at a prestigious university flip faculty members the bird aka give them the middle finger, whenever he sees them? That would get HIS DUMB ASS FIRED. But, then again, we’re not working with anything based even remotely in reality here, now are we?
#deanlivesmatter

Next, an MTA worker named Patty, a sassy black woman of incredible size (she’s built like an Amazon. Her theme song could’ve been Brick House, but they weren’t that clever to get the rights to put it in the movie…) Patty is pissed off at the world, because she’s a woman warrior full of rage! I think…

Actually, that would’ve been kinda cool. Misplaced Amazon warrior in NYC fights jerks and rats in the subway system and encounters ghosts, then seeks out other like-minded women warriors to combat it. Shit, I should write them a script. If they could hire Feig to write a POS and get funding to make it a movie, they surely will buy my Modern Amazon in NYC Ghostbusting film! #wonderwomanghostbustermovieftw

And now, the villain. Rowan. (Rowan is such a nice name. Why would they pick such a nice name for a bad guy? It doesn’t even sound remotely sinister. It means a tree for crying out loud. Like someone who is strong that you can lean on in your time of need. Definitely not a bellhop’s name.) Yup, that’s right. The bad guy is a bellhop. He was bullied, and now he wants to be the bully and call the shots. His boss calls him freak show, because reasons. And instead of filing a harassment complaint and getting his boss fired, he decides to create a vortex and break the barrier between the Land of the Living and the Land of the Dead so that ghosts can take over the world and junk.

Wait, does the gatekeeper Myrtu know about this?

Chick Ghostbusters should’ve hired Lori Grimes to take care of the evil bellhop. She totally could’ve handled that guy, with the help of her pal,  Myrtu!

In a forced nod to the first two movies, Erin and her besties visit the firehouse from the original films. Erin discovers the rent is too high, so they rent an office over a Chinese restaurant. Where, Holtzman is yet again, wacky and weird, just for the sake of being weird. Because she’s wacky! Get it? Do ya? Huh? Huh?

We’re onto you Holtzman! You can’t trick us! We know the truth! You’re not wacky at all! You’re just trying to get into Erin’s pants.

They hire Kevin Beckman to be their male receptionist, because every office needs a pretty dimwitted secretary, and then start making equipment to catch the ghosts. Which they haven’t done yet. At all. Nope. Not a single ghost has been fought or busted.

Guess being hot was enough, chuckles.

His glasses don’t have lenses cause they kept getting dirty. Ha. Ha. Ha. So funny. So clever. Such laughs.

So, just how dumb is Kevin?

• He has a dog named Mike Hat, and he asks if he can bring “my cat” to work. Hurr hurr.
• He makes a logo for their business. A hot dog flying over a house. Ha. So clever.
• He tries to put his hand through the glass of a fish tank to grab the fish.
• He puts his fingers on his eyes, instead of his ears when he hears a loud sound.

Answer? He is as dumb as the jokes in this movie. #goodjokesmatter #hirearealcomediannexttime

So funny. Such laughs. Much humor.

The group investigates/documents ghosts and successfully tests Holtzman’s proton containment laser, but their proof is dismissed because reasons.

What do you mean, we have to sell the jokes? They’re not even remotely funny!

Then the Boobytwins Mystery Squad, in another not-so-subtle nod to the first two movies, comes across graffiti in the subway that’s the original Ghostbusters logo. Holtzman, being ever  so wacky, takes a picture of it.  Chekhov’s graffiti will come into play in the last act. Don’t you worry your pretty little SJW head’s off.

Our lack of imagination is disturbing.

When they’re on the tracks a ghost appears in front of them and they test a proton laser on the apparition. The ghost is then run over by the subway, and Erin is slimed again. Because hurr hurr slime.

Patty, whom helped them in the subway, tells them that they’re hiring her because she knows New York. She gets them a car, which happens to be a hearse that she borrowed from her uncle. “Borrowed” and then subsequently pimped up into the Ecto-1.

This is followed by technobabble “science” talk. They test the proton packs. There’s some stupid “hijinx” and then we learn that Erin was bullied and called “ghost girl” and the only one that believed her was Abby. Awww. They’re fwiends!

Then the Boobytwins Mystery Squad are labeled the Ghostbusters by the news.

Bill Murray pops in thanks to a contractually obligated appearance in the film. He plays Dr. Martin Heiss, a famous debunker, who claims the footage of them hunting ghosts is fake. And he is then defenestrated (that’s shoved out a window and killed for those of you that don’t know). Rumor has it that Murray hated this film so much, that he told them to kill him in it, as his own form of protest, since he legally had to be there.

While all of this goofy shit is going on, Rowan North, the evil bellhop, is summoning ghosts to bring about the Apocalypse. Sort of like the first “Ghostbusters” movie, except less interesting, because he has like zero motive and is as sinister and imposing as a flea.

Rowan puts a ghost summoning device at an Ozzy concert. The Ghostbusters are called, and they capture the ghost. now that a whole crowd witnessed it and recorded it on their smart phones and uploaded video onto YouTube, they are legitimized. Or something. Honestly, I really don’t care…

Really Ozzy, what the heck are you doing there? *sigh* #oldrockstarlivesmatter

Grinning and making fun of Ozzie. Yeah. That’s classy.

The evil bellhop Rowan sees them on TV, and says that they will bow down to him. Sooooon. #sooooon

Martin Heiss (Bill Murray) shows up randomly at their office, and demands to know why they are pretending to catch ghosts. Erin shows him the ghost trap thingie, and since he insists on seeing the ghost, Erin opens the containment unit and the dragon ghost pops out and throws him out the window. (So they just let out a powerful apparition, because reasons. No argument. No clash of wills. Just, hey, here’s a ghost. Oopsie I let it out. We better go catch that sucker again. Tee hee.)

They go see the mayor, Andy Garcia (because reasons), and decide that it is in the public’s best interest for them to pretend that the Ghostbusters are frauds in order to prevent mass hysteria. Never mind the fact that giant stupid looking CGI ghosts are terrorizing the entire 5 boroughs. I mean, that’s not going to freak out the average denizen of NYC, right? Right?!

So yeah, now the Boobytwins Mystery Squad aka the Ghostbusters realize someone is planting devices to summon ghosts. Somehow they magically figure out that it is Rowan, even though NYC is full of a gagillion people. He’s planting them along lay lines, and using the mystical energies to create portals that bring ghosts into our world. Spoopy. They discover Rowan building a ghost portal in the basement of the Mercado Hotel in Times Square (why the eff not?).

Janine makes a cameo as the receptionist at the hotel. And then the Ghostbusters find Rowan and his magical portal vortex blender of doom, and they demand to know why he is doing what he is doing. And he of course, says that he wants revenge and that he wants everyone to die. Then he kills himself. Because he doesn’t want to be caught by the police, never mind the chicks with the nuclear accelerators strapped to their backs.

Holtzman deactivates the portal, and being the smart genius with a Notice skill of +5, she finds a copy of Erin and Abby’s book, both literally and figuratively.

For some stupid reason, the Ghostbusters are then arrested, and Rowan, after electrocuting himself, has not only become a ghost, he is going to lead a ghost army! Yay!

But first, he decides to possess Abby, so that he can use her body to destroy all of their ghost hunting equipment. Queue the cringe worthy scene of Patty slapping Abby and trying to exorcise her body of a ghost that is in all the freaking trailers. *sigh* I guess Patty’s Amazon warrior strength is enough to make Rowan leave Abby’s body once she is slapped hard enough.

Rowan then possesses hunky Kevin.

Erin tries to get the mayor to evacuate the city, without any proof as to why they would need to do that. I mean, who in their right mind would allow someone to order them to evacuate NYC if there wasn’t a hurricane headed right toward it?

I’m just a plot device! *sigh*

Possessed Kevin goes back to the hotel, where he opens the ghost portal and releases a shit ton of ghosts into the city. Oh but don’t worry, they’re really bad CGI ones that have no real bite to them. They don’t really pose a threat. They’re just annoying.

Erin takes a taxi, and Dan Akroyd (whom played Ray Stanz) cameos as the taxi driver, and says “I ain’t afraid of no ghost,” as he drops her off.

I bet a little bit of him died inside when he had to appear in this film. He was, after all, one of the original scripwriters of “Ghostbusters.” Poor man. Also, go buy his crystal skull vodka. It’s got a kickass bottle.

Slimer then randomly shows up to eat hot dogs, as he is wont to do.

The cops and Homeland Security try to stop evil ghost Rowan, but they can’t, because reasons. Then the Ghostbusters fight through his wimpy army of ghosts to reach the portal of doom. Rowan possesses the entire police and military force that shows up to stop him, and makes them pose as if they are going to dance, and then (thank God!) the dance sequence number was edited out of the final cut of the film so we didn’t have to sit through that embarrassing shit.

“Fatality!”

Also, for some reason the Ghostbusters can now punch ghosts with a proton pack brass knuckles type gadget that makes them disintegrate. Man, what?

The audience is then subjected to such witty lines as:

“Slap Chop!”

“Say Hello To my Little Friend!”

“Why am I in this movie? Are we still getting paid for this?”

Slimer shows up with his girlfriend, a genderbent clone, Slimette, complete with a hair bow, because everyone needs a freaking girlfriend I guess..

So yeah, the Ghostbusters fight they way into the hotel and get to the portal. Kevin, still possessed is floating around…and they beg Rowan to let him go. Which he does. #damnthatwaseasy

Beware, Portal!

Rowan (in a not-so-subtle nod to the original film) asks them “What form would you prefer I take?”

Patty says that she prefers something nice and cute like a friendly ghost. So he turns into the animated Ghostbusters logo, albeit with a bowtie. Because bowties are cool.

He then grows to be huge (like the Stay Puft Marshamallow Man) and destroys the hotel, before lumbering out to demolish the city.

“We ran out of ideas.”

They decide that Rowan is using energy from the ghost portal to become that huge ghost thing, so they need to close it to stop him.  So they decide to use the Ecto-1’s nuclear reactor (Wait…they made their car nuclear powered? Whaaaat? What would happen if they got into a bad accident? Nuclear fission? They were driving a bomb around NYC without a license? Where’s the EPA?!)

They technobabble their way to a solution, i.e. make a “total protonic reversal” to close the portal and return the ghosts back to the land of the dead. Because reasons. Who needs science? They don’t!

They force Ecto-1 into the portal, and shoot it with the proton packs, to overload the nuclear reactor (which is on top of the vehicle by the way, totes safe) and it works. Sort of.

Rowan is too big to fit into the closing portal, so they shoot him in the ghost balls and he shrinks and falls in, grabbing Abby and taking her with him. Erin leaps into the portal and rescues Abby, and they both return to Manhattan with their hair now white from shock. #ghostballsmatter

The mayor funds the Ghostbusters, but publicly denounces them as frauds.

Then Ernie Hudson (who played Winston Zeddemoore) shows up and asks Patty for the other hearse back. And ha ha ha ha ha, it’s destroyed. Such funnies.

“Ghostbusters” is a mediocre film with nonsensical plot that laughs at fans of the franchise. None of the jokes are funny, the villain has the weakest and lamest reasons for doing what he does, and the main characters are lackluster, unsympathetic and one-dimensional.

If you enjoy “Family Guy” style of low-brow humor, or movies with a lot of visual flair but no substance, you will enjoy this film. For the rest of you lot, don’t bother watching it. Just go binge watch “Ghost Adventures” on Netflix. It’s far more entertaining, the episodes make sense, and the boys are not only easy on the eyes, they are actually funny and have distinct personalities. Unlike the Boobytwins Mystery Squad. #zakisbagansismyothercar