Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’!
Ever wonder what the secret is to making an extremely popular horror movie? One that just draws in the crowd like flies on cows in the middle of summer? One that is written and executed so poorly, and yet the money just comes flowing in and you have to carry it away with a wheelbarrow?
Are you suffering through the agony of having to write/direct/produce a horror movie that will make boku bucks for your movie company(ies)?
Well, have no fear, we here at Bloody Whisper have cracked that code!
This formula is guaranteed to get the teenage girls running to the theaters in droves for record-breaking prophets profits.
You can make even more money by making a PG-13 Thriller! (That’s a horror movie, but with human psychological thingies in it instead of lots of blood and junk)
Here is the secret horror movie formula, in no particular order:
Stupid characters doing stupid dude-bro things.
Dude, have you seen my apocalypse?
Dude, you have to have two dude-bros, in a thick bromance running out the movie while they kill monsters and stop cereal killers and junk (not serial killers, cereal killers, because dude-bros don’t know how to spell). There has to be one small thingy that causes them to argue and banter all the time, like, how that one time dude-bro #1 drank all the beer and didn’t tell dude-bro #2 when he went to the party store to pick up liquor for their banging weekend party drinking binge.
Don’t make them too smart or deep or anything. Cardboard cut-out characters are totes fine. People don’t go to watch movies to have to think about anything, they just want to see a dude-bro kick another dude-bro in the nuts.
Everyone is an asshole, because, reasons
So, what you’re telling me is, that you DON’T want to be an asshole? You’re fired!
All the main characters are assholes. That’s it. They’re all assholes
What defines an asshole? Well, these characters are selfish, narcissistic and everything is always someone else’s fault. Nothing deep here. Everyone is a jerk and nasty to every character they interact with. It’s like, important. For box office numbers. Duh!
(Just watch “Contracted.” It’s classic Everyone is an Asshole, because Reasons Scenario.)
The killer is inside the house… sometimes
I’m dying from lung cancer and I can lay down for eight hours straight, face down in a pool of fake blood and not cough once! Because, reasons!
If you’re going with the slasher/torture porn angle, make sure that the killer is in highly inappropriate scenes, lying completely still for hours at a time. It’s also important that the killer has some illness what would cause them to make noise or leave evidence of them being in the house, and that they can make death traps on measly salaries and create them from scratch, without help because they taught themselves how to solder, design, and manufacture Elaborate Death Devices for their Death Mazes of Death.
Gore, Gore and MOAR Gore!!!!
Heh. Heh heh heh heh heh. Boobs.
This part is crucial. So pay attention!
You totes have to have scenes that require a metric ton of stage blood, and kewl practical effects of dismemberment and bodily harm.
Every scene has to have at least two cringing, graphic instances of torture. That’s the bare minimum. So keep that in mind while you’re writing your script/directing and/or producing your movie(s).
ZOMBIES!!!!!11111
Dude.
DUUUUUDE!
ZOMBIEEEEES!!!!!1111
They are like teh kewlest thing EVAR. Everyone’s doing it. The Ambulatory Undead. The Necrophage um… ear gauge? The… oh forget it. I ran out of cute things to say about zombies.
Anyways, my point is this: THE WALKING DEAD IS SUPAR TOTES MAH GOATS POPULAR! And your movies will be too, if they’re chockablock full of zombies that rip and shred and tear flesh off of characters!
It’s supar important to follow pop culture trends, especially when the people who love horror-lite (i.e. the latest KEWL horror thing that teens are obsessed with) jump on the bandwagon and devour it greedily, like half-starved vultures on a bear carcass.
Remember:
In your zombie horde there should be at least FIVE ninja zombies that can get to improbable places and attack people at random and kill them without making a single sound. (They’re MAGIC!) Also include a few stragglers for the main group of dude-bro assholes to run into, so that you have an excuse to pour the blood and slap on the prosthetic wounds and make people as gory as possible! Like, so gory that the actors can’t walk safely after the shoot because the floor is slathered in sticky stage blood. (See above entry Gore, Gore and MOAR Gore!!!!)
NEKKID PEOPLE
Boobs!
Sex sells. Like, A LOT. But, you can’t like overdo it or people’s moms will start yelling at you. So here’s the formula to follow to stay just at the borderline of PG-13 and Rated R.
GOTTA HAVE BEWBS
Chicks need to flash the audience with their tits every 20 to 25 minutes. This can be a single female character, or a whole group. It doesn’t matter. As long as the boobs are on-screen.
Preferably side-boob or suggested full frontal boob. To keep it PG-13, because that’s where the money’s at baby!
Also, try to get a real porn star in your movie. That will get you more ticket sales!
DAT ASS
Booty shots. Naked butts, with or without thongs (both male and female), shown at least every 35 minutes (so like, 2 to 4 butt shots per movie.) Also make sure that at least one of these scenes includes some sexxxy butt thrusting during the ubiquitous sex scene. Yep, that’s right. At least 1 sex scene per movie. Make sure you follow the correct number of thrusts or you’ll be given the dreaded X rating. Last we checked, it was five. Five steamy, sweaty, naked, oiled buttock thrusts per sex scene. RAWR.
PARANORMALS
Ghosts, vampires, and werewolves are also popular. Like, not AS popular as ZOMBIES!!!111, but pretty darn close. Close enough to matter in terms of box office numbers, and money is, after all the only thing that matters when making movies.
Here are the paranormal rules:
GHOSTS
Ghosts are cool, but they can only be in found footage films. Hire random people off the street, give them camcorders, make sure they shake the hell out of them while recording crucial scenes where scary spooky ghosts appear- it makes the action more intense. Also use random loud thumps, low sub sonic bass sounds right before a ghost does something, and don’t worry about plot. The audience isn’t there for a story. They want JUMP SCARES! The more, the better!
Remember if it doesn’t get suddenly, deafeningly loud, it’s not a real jump scare.
VAMPIRES
You can have vampires, but they have to be pretty, and someone that the audience would want to date, especially of the Emo Goth Vampire variety. Emo Goth vampires that are just misunderstood and pouty and are full of raw sexual charisma and no brains. They draw the teenage girls in droves. They can also be used to sell merchandise. So, if you want to branch out and make MOAR MONEY, totes use them.
WEREWOLVES
Werewolves are cool. But, only if they’re sexxxy werewolves. Sexxxy werewolves that don’t have painful, drawn-out transformations and are full of raw sexual charisma and no brains- just like the pretty vampires and Jacob from “Twilight.” Aren’t his abs dreamy?
FINAL GIRL
Worst Nancy in a Nightmare on Elm Street Movie. Ever. And yet… she made money! Moo cash cow, moo!
Everyone knows that a horror movie ain’t a horror movie unless there’s a hawt final girrrl on the movie poster. This type of final girl can make or break a series, and needs to be done correctly to draw in the crowds. The best hawt final girrrl is the bimbo with the huge tits. She saves the day by stumbling through the plot and needs a man to help her do everything, including research the monster that is out to get them.
FINAL GUY
Similarly, the hawt final guy is also crucial. If you don’t have a main lead female character, go with a guy with super model looks, six-pack abs, and a to die for set of lips. Perky buttocks are a plus, but not as necessary for the hawt final guy to draw in the crowds.
